


Black hole (Q1 2013)

by Hyogacamus1984



Series: 青春アミーゴ (Seishun Amigo) [7]
Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, The drum kit in Yuto's bedroom, The humidity controlled camera storage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 00:12:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7336840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyogacamus1984/pseuds/Hyogacamus1984





	Black hole (Q1 2013)

Despite he appears to be confident, hyperactive and to certain extents, reckless, Every now and then Yuto just needs to be on his own, curls up in his own bedroom.

It was something that arose during the dark times.

It started with the dark times and all he wanted to do was study.

Eventually he gets into a habit when the stress is too much, he just closes upon himself and refuses to get out of his room.

They don’t usually last that long, three or four days the most. He is still capable of day-to-day things and he becomes Nakajima Yuto from Hey! Say JUMP when he needs to, but he just isn’t really ‘there’.

His family knows some days he has his down time, and he needs to crawl back from the dark place back to being himself and they leave him in his room and just make sure he is eating.

As Hey! Say! JUMP becomes more popular and the longer he is away from home, the more down time he needs when he returns home.

There is no way round, it’s the down side of being an idol.

 

*

 

“Raiya, can you get the door please?” Yuto’s mum shouts from the kitchen when she hears the doorbell. Raiya rushes down the stairs, past the kitchen and opens the front door in one smooth move.

“Ryo-nii!” He says, slightly in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“Aren’t you going to let me in?” Yamada smiles.               

“Yes! Sorry! Don’t you have work today?” Raiya says quickly, moving out of the way.

“Not today. I was meant to call Yuto yesterday but work was running late. I texted him but I didn’t hear anything so I thought I’d pop round today.” Yamada answers before removes his shoes and pulls out his own pair of slippers from the cupboard as if he has done millions of times. “Tadaima mama.” Yamada greets as he pops his head into the kitchen.

“Okaeri Ryosuke.” She smiles. “Have you eaten? Do you want a drink or anything? It’s cold outside.”

“Yes thank you, maybe in a bit. I have my big coat on so I am okay.” He answers. “Is Yuto...?”

“He’s upstairs.” She says. Yamada nods and starts to head towards the stairs. “Ryosuke?” Yamada stops on his track and turns to look at Yuto’s mum. She suddenly looks serious. “I don’t think it’s a good time...” Yamada looks a bit puzzled. “He’s not in a good place.”

“Is he...” Yamada asks, isn’t quite sure how to finish his question. “...one of those down times?”

“He’s not looking good this time and I am glad he isn’t working today and tomorrow.”

“But it’s been nearly a week since we finished tour.” says Yamada.

“I don’t think he has enough time to crawl back from his down time because of the work schedule.” Yuto’s mum confesses. “The down time has been longer, but he pretends he’s over it when he has work which I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. He spent a lot of the time in his bedroom when he comes home.”

 

Yamada isn’t quite sure what he says.

He has ignored Yuto’s condition before when they were fighting, but they are on good terms now, and all he wants is to makes sure his best friend (and boyfriend?) is fine. He knows the down times are worse since the change of their roles within JUMP, as well as not having as much jobs as he used to, and Yamada is well aware of what the down time is like and it is probably a good thing that Yuto is doing more drumming lessons and going horseback riding. He has even been tempted to get a guitar – he knows a few chords and Keito and Yabu and Hikaru will be able to teach him more. They have known each other for a very long time, and there are days where he just wants to sit quietly in the room when everybody else goes out. Yamada has asked him if he wants him to stay when they were little, but Yuto usually smiled and shook his head. He really didn’t think it’s a serious problem, because they are all in the limelight, their emotional is bound to go up and down quite drastically. It comes with the territory of the job.

Until he saw Yuto crying on Kamenashi once, fingers digging right into Kamenashi’s arms (and his nails actually drew blood through his shirt but Kamenashi didn’t say anything) who promptly took him home and that was when Yamada realised how serious the down time are.

Yamada sometimes wishes they are young again, when they don’t have to worry about showing their emotions in front of people. Surely crying it out would have make Yuto feel better, rather than keeping everything in.

 

“Ryo-nii, it’s nearly dinner time; can you take some food up to niichan? I need to finish my homework.” says Raiya suddenly, pointing at the tray of snacks on the table.

“Su... sure.” Yamada answers but looks at Yuto’s mum. “If it’s okay with you, of course.”

“Always.” She smiles. Yamada walks back down the stairs, picks up the tray and heads towards Yuto’s room at the back of the house.

 

He gently knocks on the door.

No sound.

Yamada knows Yuto doesn’t usually say anything during his down time, but he still (kind of) have hope that Yuto is not as bad as what his family thinks.

 

“Yuto?” Yamada asks through the door. “Yuto.”

“Just go in. He doesn’t answer.” Raiya says, walking up the stairs and then back to his room.

 

Yamada opens the door, and is welcomed (not welcomed?) by a sight that he is not expecting.

All the curtains are drawn, the lights are off.

The only light is from the landing at the top of the stairs.

It takes Yamada a while to find Yuto.

He sits behind his drum kit and leans against one of his dry camera cabinets.

 

“Yuto.” Yamada says quietly, putting down the tray on his desk before slowly approaching Yuto. “Yuto.”

 

He doesn’t answer.

His legs are bent at the knees, arms resting on top of them.              

Yamada squeezes in between him and the drum kit next to him (one of the very rare occasions that Yamada is glad that he is only so small) and hope he isn’t going to knock over the crash cymbal or the high head, before hooking his arm round his, holds his hand and tucked himself next to Yuto (and not knocking over the sneer drum), before resting his head on Yuto’s shoulder.

He doesn’t move.

 

“It’s just like the old times.” Yamada whispers.

 

No answer.

 

The two of them sit next to each other in silence.

 

“Ne, you have to eat something.” Yamada says.

 

Yuto still doesn’t answer.

Yamada sighs, climbing over him to pick up the bread from the desk and reaches for Yuto’s mouth.

 

“Open up.”

 

Yuto doesn’t move.

 

“Yuto.” Yamada says.

 

No movement from Yuto.

Yamada tears a small piece off, grabs his chin with one hand, and forces it open and put the snacks in his mouth.

 

“Yuto.” Yamada tries again. “Work with me.” No answer. “Please?”

 

Slowly, Yuto starts chewing.

 

“Thank you.” says Yamada, tearing up another piece of bread when he assumes Yuto has swallowed the first mouthful.

 

It goes on for a while, until Yuto stops opening his mouth.

Yamada assumes he had enough. He reaches for the glass of water, and put it against his lips.

 

“You need water.” He says, waiting for Yuto to open up. “Work with me? One more time.”

 

Just like before, Yuto opens his mouth, and Yamada slowly tilts the glass. Yuto stops swallowing after about half of the glass and Yamada once again, assume he had enough. He put the glass back onto his desk.

Yamada decides to sit opposite him where there is a little bit more space.

Yamada watches the lifeless Yuto sitting in front of him.

He has no idea what he can do to make anything better.

He rests his hand on Yuto’s arms.

Nothing.

He lifts both of Yuto’s arms up and crawls underneath them.

Just as he was about to lost his balance, Yuto’s hands hold his hips and steady him. Yamada slowly climbs onto his lap, kneels on either of him and wraps his arms round Yuto’s neck and hooks his chin over his shoulder.

 

“I’m here.” Yamada says quietly against his neck. “I’m here whenever you need me.”

 

Slowly, Yuto moves his hands away from Yamada’s hips. He freezes, thinking he might have crossed Yuto’s line. Just as he wants to move away from Yuto, he gently wraps his arms round Yamada’s waist, and his chin hooks over Yamada’s shoulder. Yamada relaxes and puts his full weight onto Yuto.

He knows he can take it.

 

*

 

Yamada opens his eyes and realises he has fallen asleep at some point and there is a blanket on top of him and Yuto.

He has no idea how long he has sat in Yuto’s arms.

His arms are still wrapped round Yuto’s shoulder, and Yuto’s arms are still tight round his waist.

He isn’t even sure if Yuto has fallen sleep or not.

He lifts up his head and He turns to look at Yuto’s face.

His eyes are closed, but his breathing is not regular enough to be asleep.

 

“Yuto, it’s late. Let’s go to bed.” says Yamada. Yuto loosen his grip round his waist and drops his arms.

 

Yamada crawls out of Yuto’s embrace and stretches.

Yuto doesn’t move.

Yamada extends his hands at Yuto, and for the first time of the night, Yuto looks up at him.

 

“Come on.” Yamada says, giving him one of those smiles that is reserves for him only.

 

*

 

Yuto isn’t sure what time it is, all he wants is to sleep more.

 

_Is it still a weekday?_

_Or is it Saturday?_

_Have I missed the weekend completely?_

_How long have I been cooped up in my room?_

_Maybe if I feel well enough, and if it is a nice enough day, I can bring one of my cameras out and catch some sun._

_Or maybe play a little bit of drums if nobody is home._

 

His brain goes into overdrive. He thinks about his fellow members of JUMP.

 

_Is Hikaru-chan is enjoying some time back home with his family?_

_Has Keito gone to see his mum?_

_Maybe Chinen has dragged Yuya off to watch Arashi at Tokyo Dome, or Yokohama arena. Aren’t they on tour again?_

_What about Yabu-kun? Is he taking some well-earned rest, having to take care of a bunch of idiots that are his comrades?_

_Are Inoo-chan and Dai-chan wandering around together, eating their way through Japan?_

_And Yama-chan._

_Yama-chan who probably is very busy._

Yama-chan who walked into the room earlier and took care of him without any question.

Yama-chan who looked so broken and whispered ‘work with me, please’.

 

“Go back to sleep. It’s not morning yet.” Yamada mumbles next to him and extends his arm and pats him on his forehead.

 

Yuto stays very still.

He knows Yamada is tired, and Yamada needs his sleep, because god knows when was the last time he manages to sleep more than 4 hours.

Not that he has been doing much sleeping either. When he’s feeling down, he can never get any sleep.

He wants to sleep, and he can usually sleeps anytime anywhere, but when he feels down, he can’t.

He wonders when he would be able to sleep through the night again.

He can do with a good night sleep.

 

“I can still hear you thinking.” Yamada wraps himself onto the back of Yuto, slots one of his legs between his and burying his face at the nape of his neck before pressing a kiss there. “I’ll always be here; whenever you need me. Always, no matter what.” Yuto relaxes, and in his head he whispers ‘thank you’ to Yamada. “You’re welcome.”


End file.
